the thing is this. the feeling comes and goes. one day i think i will be fine throughout the 24 hours ahead. and for a while, things are fine. then shit happens and i move on. another shit happens and i want to throw my phone through the glass and then i move on. it kinda is the rule, isn't it? then there are days with things that just make me want to shut down. the things that make me go to my burrow of reliable things but sometimes they just don't have the solace i seek. the things that make me realize that i've spent gazillions for fucking nothing because i'm still crestfallen and i feel so rotten inside. the things that make me want to step on the fucking gas, step up face to face to the fucking coward, and demand a fucking explanation.
for a while, it could not get any better. it was raining--it was raining hard--it was just the two of us in the car, and the talk was about our current interest. i never talked about it with other people, even though i cannot stop devouring it, and i suspected it was the same with him. it was not anything taboo, hardly something with shaky moral ground, but i think we both know it was a name better left unspoken of. to say that i was surprised when i found out he liked this name as well would be an understatement. and i was also somewhat glad to know that from now on i could talk to him about.....hmm, this certain royal highness in music.
for a short ride, and perhaps because we both knew it was going to be brief, in that tiny span of moment we were competing to talk, affirm our opinions, and throw questions at each other. as it is, as it was, i know that still nothing is going to happen. but i swear, in that slight occasion, in a flash, in a fleeting period of time, i became deliriously happy.
i am certainly not the most cheerful person on the planet, but going back to where we were for now would do the trick. for now.
i've been going back and forth on giving him a belated birthday present. at the risk of sounding like a 14 year old, i don't want to be seen as giving him special treatments as i've never given the others birthday presents. but i want to see him smiling, and i want to see him smile because of me. i sound 13 now, don't i?
bollocks.
i want to die every time he makes charming efforts in our chats, and he's not just being polite because i initiated it or that i'm someone he looks up to. (he actually said that, i'm not being delusional). but at the same time i know that nothing's going to happen. so i shall resume to just stealing glances at that beautiful profile of his. great. now i sound 12.
there was a time when for a while i did not speak to anyone. i think it was for days, though i forget how many. i ignored phone calls (and there were not many), avoided meeting people in hallways (i waited for them to go away and only then did i go out of the room), and i ate what was there in the room in order to save me from buying food (which required me speaking to the seller). i did not sing along to any song. i did not say a word to my sister (who happened to be living in the next room to mine). i did not speak to myself. even by heart. i did not want to think, and i did not want to ponder about tomorrow. or the future. i played difficult games so i thought about those instead. how to win, how to succeed, how to earn the expert scores.
i forgot what made me speak again. i think it was a phone call i had to take. and hearing my voice again, after so long, was one of the strangest things that ever happened. it was strange to talk, even stranger to hear what was hanging in the air afterwards. the room was not big, there was not an echo after i spoke. but my voice was just there, beside my ears.
i think it was the longest period of time where i did not speak at all. three, maybe four days? now it's us. so i suppress everything. the little things, medium stuff, large ones, and gigantic concerns. sometimes i forget what day and date it is. days are a blur. i am almost a hermit, and i don't mind. i do mind feeling worthless, as you clearly point out and i sort of agree yet the other me slaps that thought away or at least she tries very hard to. now i'm tired. i get tired very easily these days. things are a blur. or maybe they always were and i never realized it.
here are some of the songs i sing in the shower. (yes, because they simply must be shared.)
and of course when one (eg. me) sings any song from that film, one continues with the other songs. on my part, they are 'sixteen going to seventeen' and 'i have confidence'.
this one is where i belt out like there's no tomorrow. killer lyrics. killer, i say.
there was one time when i simply couldn't stop singing this song. i sang it to my dogs, i sang it on the way to work, and of course, i sang it in the shower.
brilliant lyrics. and it's actually a difficult song to sing, at least for me. i know i'm no proper singer and those twirly notes are really something.
needless to say, i love these songs dearly. the kind where i have the utmost respect for every line of lyrics, for the melody, for the production, and the emotions laid bare on every song. so yeah, these are a few that make me hum in the shower or, more often, roar.
"Favoritism: The practice of giving unfair preferential treatment to one person or group at the expense of another." Isn't it staggeringly crappy that at the age of thirty something, you still face this? And that you still cannot take it lightly and move on. You are exhausted of keeping things up to her standard and then you get a slamming door in return. Another behaves without a care and life is nothing but a bed of roses. It hasn't changed in years, and you have run out of things and tricks to live up to uncertain moods. So.... then what?
So then I watch Lindsay Weir and her friends, and I can't help thinking about Angela Chase. And her friends. Rayanne, especially. I've been dressing as if I'm one of them. Angela and Rayanne, I mean, not Lindsay. Though I would love to have her jacket. I have also been wearing flatforms (I got my first pair in March, and the second in December. Them being uncommon here causes me pain. Great pain.), and I would wear them for all eternity if it's possible.
I also organize a farm, a fish farm, and helping to build the Eiffel Tower. Oh, I also watch Leslie Knope. And 'friends'. And when my eyes get tired, my back starts to hurt, and it's after 9, I go to sleep.
ada beberapa merek yang lumayan berpengaruh buat saya. topshop selalu bikin saya jemari meremas-remas baju (sendiri). belakangan harga produk topshop (baca: pakaian) terlalu mahal buat saya, dan koleksi yang masuk di jakarta kebanyakan main di wilayah aman, sehingga kesan quirky-nya nggak sekental dulu. tapi di antara yang banyak itu, selalu ada beberapa yang bikin hati saya disko darurat. saya suka banget rasa mode inggris yang berhasil dibawa topshop: ada kunonya, ada slengeannya. prim and proper as well as independent. selain topshop, saya sangat suka muji. sangat sangat sangat suka. segimana sukanya? tiap ke toko muji, saya siap lahir batin kalo tiba-tiba disuruh tinggal di situ.
begitu udah masuk di dalam toko muji, saya merasa tenang dan senang. bukan cuma perkara saya doyan belanja, suka barang bagus, atau kagum dengan filosofi mereka. ya mungkin gabungan itu semua. saya bukan orang yang terlalu suka desain minimalis, juga untuk desain interior atau produk-produk interior yang minimalis. tapi untuk muji, semuanya bergeser. dan saya lebih senang menyebutnya sederhana sih, bukan minimalis. almost zen-like, perhaps? khusus untuk toko yang di plaza indonesia, itu jadi favorit saya. mungkin karena ukurannya yang pas, tidak sebesar yang di grand indonesia (saya belum pernah ke muji mal taman anggrek atau muji paris van java, bandung). dan selalu rasanya adalah saya bisa hilang di situ. kalau lagi susah hati, rasanya pengen bisa merem dan pas melek, sudah ada di toko muji. di mana semuanya hanya tenang dan tenang.
saya lupa pengalaman toko muji saya yang pertama kali kapan dan di mana. sepertinya di singapura, bugis junction, di dalam department store seiyu (yang sekarang namanya sudah ganti jadi BHG). dulu rasanya masih lebih banyak bengong lihat barang-barangnya. sekarang, saya selalu mau nangis tiap masuk toko muji yang di plaza indonesia. penyebab paling besarnya adalah musik yang diputar. seperti musik klasik, dan yang pasti, selalu tenang. bukan mars, bukan waltz, apalagi requiem. lagunya ganti-ganti, tapi hati saya selalu seperti dipelintir rasanya. kombinasi lagu seperti itu dengan tata lampu terang dan tata letak barang apik, duh gusti, nyuwun pangapunten.
berhubung harga barang-barang muji cukup terjangkau, ini cukup mengganggu ketenteraman dompet dan rekening. saya, misalnya, pernah berambisi punya sebanyak-banyaknya sarung bantal muji. tiap ke tokonya, saya beli barang satu atau dua buah. ngepetnya, ambisi saya lalu nggak berhenti di sarung bantal. entah sadar atau nggak sadar, sedikit demi sedikit saya mulai menimbun barang-barang muji. ada amplop, kertas surat, stapler, penggaris, pensil, atau semacam post-it. itu baru alat tulis. ada juga tas kecil, sepatu, kaos kaki, rok, gaun, kaos hangat, tas (tas sehari-hari sampai tas bepergian), sarung guling, handuk kecil, handuk besar, tempat sabun (dengan selang yang bikin sabun cair jadi busa), kertas penyerap minyak wajah, gunting kuku, mie kering, popcorn, sampai teh susu. (dan ya ampun, teh susunya juga enak mampus.) untuk ibu, saya pernah belikan mangkok. untuk bapak, saya pernah belikan pakaian dalam. untuk teman-teman, saya pernah belikan kemeja, topi, dan teh. saya sampai sekarang agak menyesal nggak jadi beli mixer muji pas beruntung bisa ke toko muji yang di tokyo.
satu hal yang bikin saya tergila-gila pada muji adalah desain dan fungsi yang betul-betul apik. semuanya serba efisien, dipikirkan dengan tepat dan cermat. nggak ada yang terbuang, nggak ada yang sia-sia. dan idenya itu selalu ada-ada aja. coba lihat ini:
udah bentuk burungnya jepang banget ('jepang banget' iku opo?), trus kenapa sih kepikiran aja 'sarang'-nya seperti itu? kenapa?
ada juga ini:
saya ini suka banget kuda. kalo liat kuda, bisa dipastikan saya akan nyamperin dan ngelus-ngelus dia. saya pernah mati sejenak saat ke istal kuda di limo, depok, dan ngeliat langsung kuda-kuda setinggi 2 meter. kata mas penjaganya, kalo kena tendangan kaki belakangnya, lutut saya akan langsung sompral. saya juga suka banget komedi putar. dan, saya juga suka banget music box. dua hal itu selalu bikin saya nangis dalam hati. jadi ketika semua itu bersatu, saya harus gimana coba. GIMANA? saya suka bahwa konsep kesederhanaan muji tetap kental di situ, seperti warna di kuda hanya di bagian ekor dan surai. (gambar-gambar diambil dari facebook muji indonesia.)
itu hanya sedikit sekali contoh dari berbagai barang muji yang berkesan buat saya. awal januari, satu lagi toko muji di jakarta akan buka, di pondok indah mal 1. saya diundang ke pembukaannya. cieh. dan dari sekarang, saya udah deg-degan. doakan saya nggak tiba-tiba nangis di tengah-tengah toko. dan ya tuhan saya minta doanya semoga saya nggak kalap beli ini itu. sebagai penutup, berikut adalah video muji untuk hari natal tahun ini. seperti semua produknya, video muji ini juga membuat saya mendesah dalam hati. dan jatuh kagum untuk kesekian kalinya.
this one is taken from here, an old archive. always a dog person, then cats stole my heart during college years. they were always around my rented room, so i fed them. as with dogs, the uglier the cats are, the more attracted i get. i am also very attracted to dogs/cats with personalities, such as that freaky one above. the picture, for me, is priceless.
last week there was a sort of event at aksara/707/monka magic, prices were cut down and there were some dj's spinning records as well as bands. people were coming and coming, familiar faces. there were handshakes, hello's, hugs, air kisses, and warm chats. a band member was telling me how he was left penniless because he just bought pulp's different class vinyl (first pressing) in hongkong for usd 450. 'my band was booked for a new year's event, so i assumed i can pay the vinyl with that fee. and then after i bought it, the organizer called to tell that we were cancelled." i really hope he'd get hugely rewarding gigs, starting from now. anyway, the books i was looking for at aksara were unavailable. so i bought none. i was almost patting my own shoulder with pride for buying nothing. until i saw these five. these are retro ballpoints from kikkerland, and there was no goddamn way i was coming out of the store without them. i then had to leave aksara early because i was meeting a friend at bluegrass. these were my victims on that night.
above is pork belly over rice, or crispy pork belly over a bed of aromatic turmeric rice. below is bluegrass's wings: grilled marinated chicken wings served with lemon cilantro mayo. verdict: i had no memory of what my friend said during the times i ate the chicken wings. at all. except the time she said, "you're awfully quiet. and you look so serene." i wanted to cry many times whenever i tasted something new and savoury. but, this... this was brand new to me. the mayo. the wings. the mayo. i would BATHE in the mayo WHILE eating the chicken wings. and the pork belly? to be honest, the skin was too thick for me. they ended up not being crispy at all, but the meat was tender and jesus christ i want to marry the rice and have beautiful kids with the rice. i do. WAIT. i think i know what to order in my next visit. turmeric rice AND chicken wings AND the mayo. no talking will be needed. no, sirree.
ps. i like the lyrics, and i like the image. posting this, i do not wish for anyone in particular to be here, as i am deeply preoccupied playing games. this is not some 'cryptic' message for anyone. do not bother deciphering. it's just a song.
