Confessions of a Girl Gone Mad

tell me

what do i do when i need you the most?

posted by marianne @ 14:55 0 comments

Beaches

Even when practicing a cliche like sitting at Starbucks when I'm only minutes away from Bali beaches, I can't escape life. I try to scoot and duck, but it still catches me by the throat. I begin with an honest notion of reading a book to kill the ever-present time. But the dedication read: "For Julia, without whom I could not have done this, and for Eric, without whom I could not do at all." I bit my lips but the tears stubbornly appeared. It's like reading LSC's short stories and reuniting with your pain. It's like sitting silently at the corner of The Corner Store when suddenly your name on the side of a very large truck passed by. I find it silly to look away, because I know I don't have to do anything remotely worthwhile when your name is still written all over me, wrapping my brain tightly, and like C. Bruni said, time that slides is a bastard. He makes coats of our sorrows.

posted by marianne @ 16:01 0 comments

awan

bagaimana caranya menjelaskan kepada orang lain, dan terutama padamu, bahwa ada awan hitam di dalam dadaku. ia datang di saat yang sama waktu kau pergi.

pada waktu-waktu tertentu, ia mengembang. begitu luasnya hingga ia mengambil ruang bernafasku. begitu rapatnya hingga ia membuatku tersengal-sengal. ia mendesak ke berbagai arah, dengan acak dan marah. bagaimana aku bisa menjelaskan padamu tentang rasa sakit yang ia timbulkan. dada sebelah kiriku seperti ditusuk-tusuk. menghela nafas menjadi pekerjaan yang terlampau berat. yang juga membikin kesal adalah bahwa ia kemudian menerbitkan air mata, dan aku benci itu. aku tidak suka bahwa sampai sekarang aku masih saja menangis karena mengingatmu.

ada saat-saat di mana aku merasa sangat sendiri. dan namamu mengambang di sebelah telingaku. aku memanggilmu, tapi tak ada jawaban. aku menghela nafas dan aku merasa bibirku gemetar. aku tidur terlentang dan menatap bayangan menari-nari di langit-langit kamarku. terus kupandangi mereka sampai mataku pedas. syukur-syukur kemudian aku bisa tertidur.

di dalam tidur, tidak ada awan. aku ingin tidur selamanya.

KP

posted by marianne @ 16:53 0 comments

panic on

baking at 1 in the morning? i'm surely on a highway road to insanity and spinsterhood. nevertheless, the carrot cake is superb, if i do say so myself. if you don't believe me, i've got a pack of girlfriends clawing each other's faces with forks for the last piece of the carrot cake. or not. work with me here. let me be vain in this one.

posted by marianne @ 11:06 0 comments

essence

chocolate cloud cake.
oh two off-work days which meant two different cakes altogether.

posted by marianne @ 21:51 0 comments

leisure

church silicone pan first trial with butter cheese cake.

posted by marianne @ 18:23 0 comments

les feuilles mortes

the result of this morning's commotion after going to bed at 01.30 and waking up at 06.00. my mind is currently filled of only two things. baking. and that fucking giant pink elephant staying in the middle of the fucking room for too fucking long without any fucking chance of even one little mention of it. so yeah. i bake a lot.

ps. it's a spruced up vanilla cake.

posted by marianne @ 12:51 0 comments

iceblink luck

'me and my band often think of chucking all this and just become a zombies cover band.'

that sentence alone changed my whole perspective of someone i thought was unworthy of two pages in the magazine. i had dreaded last saturday all week long. i didn't like it when my lazy weekend would be replaced by interviewing a new singer albeit having a hit single in the us as well as korea and poland. but my work is like this, almost all the time. it shoves me off of my seat. i dread new people, but they would often end up being witty, and i would be on the other end with my mouth on the floor, receiving beautiful words. that's probably and mostly why i need to get up in the morning. to distribute the beautiful words. make them known. that's why i started the reporter job in the first place. i'd try to remember that when i think of ending it all. because you're not exactly dying when your loved one went away. you know, how they say it in songs. "i'd surely die if you go away". oh, no. you are alive and well and all of your organs are functioning properly. but you would wish you were dead. you would sometimes feel there's a hole inside of you, you would literally feel it widening by the hour and you would try to fill it. you try to compensate the gaping hole by doing anything that's crossed your mind: drinking, excessive eating, sleeping 24 hours in a row, excessive buying, fake laughter among friends, and so forth. yet your mind still returns to it. and even after a year, you still want to sleep all day. when you're not asleep, you're angry. you're reduced to this person you hardly know. it's been so long and you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. once it grew so bright and continuously. once, it did.

ps. an example of excessive eating, and drinking. it's a glass of tea with, uhm, tealeaves and jasmine inside. also present were pork pastry and prawn with mayonnaise.

posted by marianne @ 08:42 0 comments

Souvenir

so it's not purely escaping. because in the middle of beating eggs into a mixture of sugar and butter, you still wonder. and you still wait. and you will continue making things until you stop wondering. and waiting.

ps. it's a banana bread

posted by marianne @ 23:32 0 comments

bang

my new form of escaping. made around 10 pm. it's a bread pudding, consisted of everything good and evil such as sugar, milk, eggs, and butter.

calories? what calories?

posted by marianne @ 00:39 0 comments